title: anatomy of love
pairing: ot-5 and various assorted pairings
rating: nc-17 (just in case)
word count: 2 700 words
disclaimer: they aren't mine, but i sure wish they were.
anatomy of love
a series of vignettes featuring various big bang pairings
(some consisting of fragments of fics that i never fully developed)
bad hair day - gdyb
"i have hair issues," youngbae sighs, plopping miserably into the couch next to jiyong.
jiyong sets down the notebook he was scribbling in, extends his arm for his lover to snuggle into.
"why the sudden talk about your hair?" jiyong asks, and youngbae sighs again.
"i should've kept my mohawk," youngbae mumbles self-conciously, tugging on his overgrown braids and jiyong exhales softly.
"they hate it," youngbae's voice is muffled into jiyong's shirt and jiyong rolls his eyes at the insecurities of his lover.
"bae, you stupid fool," jiyong says, tilting youngbae's eyes to meet his and softens a little at the uncertainty in youngbae's eyes.
"it doesn't matter what they say, because whoever 'they' are irrelevant. whoever 'they' are, 'they' most definitely do not include me."
jiyong watches youngbae's expression lighten up a little before his lover's eyes fixate on him. "i'm being stupid again, aren't i?" youngbae ducks his head shyly.
jiyong quirks a slight smile. "very," he replies, before he leans in to press his lips against youngbae's, his free hand reaching out to tug on youngbae's braids.
temptation - baeri
youngbae doesn't really notice it at first, but it gradually becomes clear that seungri is avoiding him completely. and it drives youngbae absolutely nuts because he has no idea what he has done to make his boyfriend so angry at him to this extent.
jiyong rolls his eyes when youngbae miserably tells him the entire thing, telling him that "maknae's a brat," and "god knows how that mind of his works."
it doesn't make him feel any better, so he mentions it to daesung who merely smiles confusedly and asks, "he was mad at you?"
he refrains from asking seunghyun completely, knowing the older man will probably mention something lewd or something completely unrelated.
so youngbae resigns himself to suffering in (not-so) silence the brunt of seungri's anger.
that is, until seungri ignores him again after yet another concert, and youngbae drags seungri out and shoves him harshly against the wall.
"what is your fucking problem with me?" youngbae bites out angrily, frustration overwhelming him.
seungri averts his eyes, grits his jaw together, its harsh line mocking youngbae and all of a sudden. he feels sad instead.
"fuck it, ri, why can't we just talk about it like normal people do?" his initial anger spent (and rather quickly at that), youngbae deflates. all he wants is ri back and to know what's wrong.
he feels seungri touch his hand, clasps it within his bigger one before seungri folds youngbae into a tentative hug.
"i'm sorry, hyung," he hears and youngbae closes his eyes to stop the tears from flowing out.
"why?" he says instead.
seungri fidgets. "i'm a jerk," his lover confesses lowly.
"that you are."
seungri releases him, leans against the wall and resolutely refuses to look him in the eye. it scares youngbae.
"what did you do?" youngbae feels dread pool in the pit of his stomach.
"i hate that you keep taking off your shirt during concerts."
"what?" to say youngbae is taken back would be an understatement.
seungri covers his face in shame. "i'm jealous, alright, hyung?"
then seungri looks him in the eye. "and i'm horny."
seungri's eyes fall shut and he turns away. "i'm sorry, hyung. i'm trying to manage it, but it's not easy." seungri exhales. "i don't want to press you into doing anything that you're not comfortable with and i know i told you to wait, but it's difficult. and that's why i've been acting like a jerk. because when i see you, my control slips."
youngbae doesn't know how to properly react, and so he takes his lover's hand and weaves their fingers together.
"you should've told me," he gently reproaches and the tips of seungri's ears redden when he says this.
"i'm sorry," seungri repeats forlornly.
"there's nothing to be sorry about," youngbae says, squeezing his lover's chubby fingers, "i can't fault you for your body's response, can i?"
"i'll try harder," seungri promises fervently and youngbae smiles despite himself.
"it's okay." youngbae pauses, "i think i've been ready to move to the next level for a while now."
so close, yet still so far - gri
seungri has made no secret of the fact that the thing he misses the most when he is away is jiyong; jiyong's warm arms around him; body pressed against his back, legs tangled with his, snoring ever so softly; a soothing lullaby on dark, quiet nights.
rhythm of love - tobae
youngbae is lying on his side on their bed as he immerses himself in the song of the day on his smartphone while seunghyun is bear-hugging youngbae's chest a tad uncomfortably when youngbae hears seunghyun huskily rapping near-silently.
the lyrics are one that he has never heard before and youngbae discreetly removes his earplugs before focusing on the lyrics, and after a while, realises that they're pretty good.
the rap is about falling in love instead of falling out of love; about sunshine and sunflowers and the uncertainty of falling in love; of the certainty that love has come and it's like dawn and about never letting go.
the more youngbae listens to the low rap, the more he wants to know exactly why and he nudges seunghyun lightly to get his attention.
seunghyun looks like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar and youngbae grins, wanting to know.
"what was that?" he asks and seunghyun blushes a little.
youngbae takes in the boyish mien of his lover and smiles, poking him in the ribs.
"tell me," youngbae pokes again and seunghyun wriggles, ticklish.
"all right," seunghyun grumbles and pinkens again, driving youngbae to near insanity when seunghyun doesn't immediately reply.
youngbae is about to poke seunghyun again, painfully this time when seunghyun mumbles incoherently and youngbae strains to catch his words.
"say it louder," youngbae demands.
seunghyun inhales; refuses to meet his lover's eyes when he responds with, "i was rapping to the rhythm of your heartbeat - and the rap itself is for you."
windows to the soul - gtop
they say that eyes are the windows to the soul, but seunghyun has never fully understood that until jiyong stood before him, pleading with him not to leave him for another.
seunghyun harshly pries jiyong's fingers off his sleeves and just before he turns to say farewell forever, he catches a glimpse of jiyong's eyes and is mesmerised by the depth of the pain, the sadness and the turmoil reflected in them. even then, seunghyun sees the staggering, overwhelming love beneath all that, and his heart twinges painfully in his chest.
yet seunghyun still turns to leave, fingers digging into the handle of his luggage as the image of kwon jiyong in his beautiful sorrow is immortalised beneath his lids.
tiny imperfections - daeri
the tiny beauty mark on daesung's inner right thigh fascinates seungri a lot.
it peeks at him ever so shyly from beneath the cloth of daesung's training shorts and basically is just the most distracting thing that seungri's ever seen.
daesung hates it only because seungri pays it more attention than a certain other part of his anatomy (which needs seungri's attention more).
so one day, daesung erupts at seungri during foreplay when seungri spends too much time at that particular spot.
seungri's earnest eyes meet his and when seungri begins to explain, daesung can't help but melt into a puddle of goo.
in seungri's words, the tiny imperfections make you ever so perfect to me, hyung, and really, who would not forgive that kind of sincerity?
don't ever let go - gri
jiyong marvels at the difference between his and seungri's hands, how one is lighter in colour than the other, how his fingers are more slender than seungri's.
jiyong plays with them thoughtlessly under the table while he munches on some cookies and when seungri detaches his fingers from jiyong's light grip, it is only to gently brush away the cookie crumbs messily decorating jiyong's lips.
i'll leave my heart with you - gtop
seunghyun always leaves, but he always leaves something of his behind with jiyong whenever he leaves, whether it is a half-completed melody replaying itself in jiyong's mind, some food wrappers or even with a dirty smirk with promising so much when they next meet.
but it is the tender goodbyes that jiyong remembers with great clarity; of soft words in the hush of the mornings, slow goodbyes between bedsheets as they memorise each other thoroughly with soft touches and loud moans before they part for different parts of the world, and seunghyun's wistfulness as he presses a kiss on the inside of jiyong's wrist before they say goodbye for now.
i can't breathe, not without you - todae
"not forever," daesung says when they part, not forever.
but when seunghyun reaches out and daesung's hand isn't there, it feels like forever.
when seunghyun turns to find a reassuringly wide smile, daesung's smile is painfully absent.
and when seunghyun begins to crack under all the pressure, daesung isn't there to hold him as he breaks.
seunghyun finds it hardest to breathe without daesung near him, and so when daesung makes returns unexpectedly early from japan, seunghyun releases the reins of self-control he had been holding so tightly to keep himself from falling apart; runs towards daesung and buries himself in daesung's warm embrace and simply breathes daesung's familiar sunshine-y scent.
"you're so silly. i told you it wasn't forever," daesung murmurs softly, a tender look in his eyes as a tanned hand reaches out to rub slow circles on seunghyun's back.
daesung is startled when seunghyun's teary eyes meet his and seunghyun replies, "it fucking felt like forever."
just give me your smile - gdae
jiyong only begins to realise the worth of a smile once daesung stops smiling.
it rattles him because he's grown used to the perpetual smile on daesung's features, associated the act of smiling itself with daesung and he's always thought that it would be this way.
and now that it's gone, jiyong misses it more than he possibly can.
after all, once the smiling angel stops smiling, that is a cause for alarm, isn't it?
so jiyong tries. jiyong isn't a very smiley person and that's probably the reason for the rumours about his aloof, detached persona that's often talked about.
and yet, jiyong tries hard these days to smile. to show the world that big bang is fine, that he's fine, that daesung is fine. he tries to smile enough for the both of them, but that isn't enough.
it isn't enough when he knows that behind every single smile of his is a silent plea for daesung to smile again.
(daesung doesn't smile anymore because his smiles are full of pain and tears and muffled cries).
so jiyong smiles. it may not be sufficient, but it is better than nothing.
until then, he waits for daesung's pain to ebb, waits for the day daesung will see him and finally give him a real smile.
until then, jiyong waits and smiles and tries to be enough for the both of them.
like the colours of a rainbow - gtop
"i really, really liked the pink of your previous hairstyle," seunghyun comments one day as they lie side by side on six-hundred thread count sheets in some swanky hotel.
jiyong props himself on seunghyun's naked chest, glaring down at his lover.
"what's wrong with this one," he demands and seunghyun frowns at the warning tone in his lover's voice.
"nothing," he replies carefully, "just that it isn't pink like the previous one. i thought that pink looked really nice on you."
"hot," jiyong supplies helpfully, "it made me look hot."
seunghyun chuckles. "you still look hot now, you know."
jiyong snorts and seunghyun reaches out to cup his lover's cheek.
"it's true," seunghyun says seriously and he sees the look in jiyong's eyes soften.
"should i change my hair colour?" jiyong asks softly, after a beat and seunghyun knows it's really a 'do you want me to change my hair colour back?'
seunghyun takes in the light blue and lilac of jiyong's hair and how it makes him look so young and happy, remembers how exhilarated jiyong was when he came back from the salon sporting that colour palette for his hair; how jiyong had jumped on him and proclaimed, "i'm so happy, hyung. isn't my hair nice?"
and so seunghyun threads this fingers through the soft textures of jiyong's pretty hair, marvelling at the contrast between his fingers and the colours and smiles at jiyong.
"no," seunghyun says at length, "keep it this way."
i save a special smile for you - daebae
seungri doesn't know whether they realise it, but youngbae and daesung have the prettiest eye smiles in the entire yg family, hands down.
he watches as their eyes crinkle prettily, and the more he watches, the more he realises this:
that their eye smiles are the most genuine and the prettiest when the both of them are together, just taking each other in with a look of such contentment etched on their features that seungri just has to look away because he feels like he is an intruder, accidentally stumbling upon the intimacy of the moment.
sing, sing a song (don't worry it's not good enough for everyone else to hear) - topri
seunghyun loves hearing seungri sing. seungri's voice is light and airy and carefree and everything that seunghyun's voice isn't, and sometimes seunghyun just wants a little of that cheerfulness in his songs, in his rapping.
so he doesn't quite understand why others deem his voice weak; not good enough.
can't they see that seungri's voice is perfect just the way it is?
he tells seungri this one day when the latter is having a bad day. seungri has just been scolded and made to re-sing his meagre portion of the song again and again and again before it is considered "satisfactory" and seunghyun cannot help but sympathise with the young boy.
"here, he says, thrusting a bottle of water towards the too-quiet boy outside the recording studio, and seungri accepts it with a half-hearted, "thanks."
"you did well," seunghyun comments nonchalantly, and when seungri's eyes meet his, they are red-rimmed.
"i didn't," he says. "not at all."
seunghyun repeats slowly, "you did well."
seungri sniffles, wipes his tears with his palms. "only you would think so, hyung."
seunghyun grins, "it's not just me."
seunghyun leans on seungri's shoulder. "sing for me, maknae," he requests.
"stop. this is stupid."
"no, it isn't. just sing."
with a dubious glance and with more of seunghyun's encouragement, seungri begins to sing.
he chooses a song seunghyun is unfamiliar with; one about the pursuit of drams and arduous hardships to attain it. his voice warbles at the beginning, still choked with tears but mid-way, it begins to strengthen and seunghyun hears its former breezy quality which he loves coming through. seungri sings his heart out in the tiny, cramped corridor outside the recording studio and seunghyun is a witness to it.
the song ends, and seunghyun frowns a little at the sadness of its lyrics, but seungri turns to him with a hesitant smile and seunghyun thinks its all worth it, just to see seungri happy.
years from now, seungri will bring this up again when they pass by the same corridor, just the both of them.
and seunghyun will smile as seungri clasps his hand before bestowing the tiniest of kisses on it, before his light voice sings a cheery song as the both of them stroll down the long corridor together, hand in hand.
you feel like home - gri
seungri likes it best when they're together, just reclining together at the windowseat with a thin blanket cocooning the both of them, just as the sun begins to rise. he snuggles into the jiyong's warmth, reveling in the near-silent throaty laughs of his lover and just breathes in the scent of dawn, jiyong and love.
This is dedicated to chanrae for all her love.
Here's to Krysrae, dear, and I hope you enjoy all these.